Self Care

I wrote this last Novermber/December but never published it:

The only good thing about Ry being in the hospital is I can occasionally take a bit of time for myself without feeling that I am neglecting Ry and I don’t have to worry about him.  I don’t worry so much about his welfare now because I know that at a hospital there are people and equipment there that far surpasses my knowledge and skill for taking care of him.  He’s covered.

Lately I have found myself tethered between our apartment and the hospital.  Don’t get me wrong, I get out but, “Out,” typically involves grocery shopping and running to the pharmacy.  I have noticed that I don’t want to stray too far from Ry for fear of some terrible event happening to him and I won’t be there to help or comfort him.  This has resulted in my own social life revolving around the TV shows we both like and enjoy watching together and Facebook.  It has also resulted in a completely unhealthy sleeping pattern in which I stay up way way way too late online seeing what friends are up to or shopping for stuff Ry could use like ergonomically designed bolus syringes, or watching the few TV shows only I like to watch.  In addition to these unhealthy behaviors, I neglect to do things like getting a pedicure I really should get in order to curb my big toes nasty tendency toward becoming ingrown and infected or remembering to refill my own prescriptions on time so then I end up scrambling at the last minute to get them and end up making an extra trip to the pharmacy. 

When I finally accepted some help and company and comfort from some friends and family, I felt so much weight lift from around my heart.  I wanted to cry when Ry’s sister offered to have me come over to do my laundry and just, “Hang out.”  I felt so elated to have two of my closest girlfriends come over to gab, eat, and look in awe of Ry’s new ginormous  SmartTV with surround sound and laugh at how boys love their toys.   I thoroughly enjoyed having Ry’s cousin and her super cute puppy as guests for a couple of days so I would not have to go home to a sad empty apartment while Ry is fighting for his life in the hospital.

Ry oohing over a gift Chirstmas 2010

When it became evident that Ry would not be coming home and I started sleeping at the hospital almost every night, various people from the nurses to our parents, would express how worried they were for me and that I needed to be taking care of myself.  Well, taking care of Ry as much as I could by helping the nurses move him or rubbing lotion into his skin or suctioning him and being there with him was what I really needed at that time to keep me sane.  So the sleeping chair was uncomfortable.  Now that I am home, I am back to sleeping in our bed.  What was once a plush and comfy treat to sleep on had become a remarkably uncomfortable back torturing mess.  I am only just now able to sleep without waking up to a sore back.  It has taken some getting used to.  At the hospital I did all that I could to make myself feel more at home.  I made sure I could stay clean even if I never went home to shower.  I did camp showers in the bigger public restroom most of the time, and every once in a while, when we did not have a neighbor sharing the adjoining bathroom, the nurses would let me take a shower in the patient rest room.  Might as well, nobody else was using it.  I brought food from home, lots of clothes, pj’s, my earplugs, and even a headlamp I used to get back to the sleeping chair after turning off the lights across the room. 

Yes it was intense, but I needed to be there. 

I miss Ry so much now that I even miss that horrible sleeping chair.  So I am trying to keep myself busy.  At first I did not have to think about it.  There was so much to do and prepare.  There were two celebrations of Ry’s life to plan and attend.  There was the spreading of the ashes.  There was so much catching up to do with family and friends.  And then I came home.  I have already spent too many days cloistered in the apartment only to leave to get the mail if I leave it at all.  Thankfully friends and family have been reaching out to me.  I have been to tea and a book signing with friends, I have been on a hike RY would have definitely approved of, I had lunch with two friends this week, and I am getting ready to spend the weekend with friends again.  Maybe we will do the dinner and a movie thing. 

Finally, I want to travel.  Not some long, epic around the world kind of thing, but I would like to go somewhere I have always longed to visit like Machu Picchu, Alaska, or even Hawaii.  Initially I thought Hawaii would be too painful because that was where Ry and I were planning to go just prior to his hospitalization.  But if I went with friends it might be fun.  A friend said to me this week that a trip will be like a renewal of my spirit.  I think she’s right.  I could use a fresh start.                 

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• Hospitalizations (msstolemybrain.com)